One of things I really wanted to do before we lost Henry was daydream about all the cute stuff I was gonna make/buy for the baby...the pictures I was gonna take, the trips we would go on. I didn't do that a lot when I was pregnant with him-I'd stop myself, tell myself I could do it after the wedding. I had a wedding to plan before the planning for the baby could take place! I guess I just wanted things in order. I'm wired that way. Weird like that.
This time I have courage. I am scared...but I am browsing the baby blogs, buying a cute outfit if I love it. Picking out the baby gear I want for her, planning baby poses and saving money for a new camera for all those pictures. I'm deciding about cloth diapers and breast pumping. Checking crash tests on infant car seats. Everytime I do one of those things I think of the worst, but I do it anyway. I allow myself to hope and dream and try to put my nightmare to rest for that moment. And it's great when while that's all happening, she sends me a helpful kick, like she's proud of me.
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