Thoughts

I keep saying 'pregnant again'.  I am always thinking of this pregnancy in relation to being pregnant with Henry.  From all the books I have read, this is normal.  I just keep correcting myself though.  Yes, I have been pregnant now 4 times... (more if you count my early miscarriages-which I don't).  But for some reason when I say or think "pregnant again" what I mean is pregnant again after losing my baby boy.

Grief is hard.  It is harder than I thought it would be to be pregnant "again".  I thought going into this that a new baby would give me so much hope that I wouldn't take the grief so hard.  Wrong.  It's hard to miss a baby so much and look forward to a new one at the same exact time.  Worry about the new baby is debilitating at times.  The thought of the same thing happening again is terrifying.  

I have generalized anxiety disorder.  I had this before Henry.  It is much more difficult to function without meds.  I refuse to take meds while I am pregnant.  The girls and Mr. know exactly how hard it is because they bear the brunt of a lot of my two biggest symptoms: irritability and lethargy.  Irritability is the monster everyone in this house lives with.  Lethargy is the bad guy I am constantly fighting.

I isolate as a way of trying to protect myself from more anxiety.  It's really not a conscience thought that it will spare me anxiety if don't talk to anyone or call anyone, it's just that I never feel like doing those things.  Catch 22 though, because I feel tremendous guilt and anxiety over isolating too!

I am getting as much help for myself and my family as I can.  Even though grief, depression and anxiety get the best of me most days, there are days when I have hope. On these days I can even see myself in the future: happy and enjoying life with my family-including our new healthy little baby.  :)