Courage

One of things I really wanted to do before we lost Henry was daydream about all the cute stuff I was gonna make/buy for the baby...the pictures I was gonna take, the trips we would go on. I didn't do that a lot when I was pregnant with him-I'd stop myself, tell myself I could do it after the wedding. I had a wedding to plan before the planning for the baby could take place! I guess I just wanted things in order. I'm wired that way. Weird like that.

This time I have courage. I am scared...but I am browsing the baby blogs, buying a cute outfit if I love it. Picking out the baby gear I want for her, planning baby poses and saving money for a new camera for all those pictures. I'm deciding about cloth diapers and breast pumping. Checking crash tests on infant car seats. Everytime I do one of those things I think of the worst, but I do it anyway. I allow myself to hope and dream and try to put my nightmare to rest for that moment. And it's great when while that's all happening, she sends me a helpful kick, like she's proud of me.

Munch is an Artist

Click on the picture to make it bigger.

Playing

Em in the backyard...playing with her toys.

Thoughts

I keep saying 'pregnant again'.  I am always thinking of this pregnancy in relation to being pregnant with Henry.  From all the books I have read, this is normal.  I just keep correcting myself though.  Yes, I have been pregnant now 4 times... (more if you count my early miscarriages-which I don't).  But for some reason when I say or think "pregnant again" what I mean is pregnant again after losing my baby boy.

Grief is hard.  It is harder than I thought it would be to be pregnant "again".  I thought going into this that a new baby would give me so much hope that I wouldn't take the grief so hard.  Wrong.  It's hard to miss a baby so much and look forward to a new one at the same exact time.  Worry about the new baby is debilitating at times.  The thought of the same thing happening again is terrifying.  

I have generalized anxiety disorder.  I had this before Henry.  It is much more difficult to function without meds.  I refuse to take meds while I am pregnant.  The girls and Mr. know exactly how hard it is because they bear the brunt of a lot of my two biggest symptoms: irritability and lethargy.  Irritability is the monster everyone in this house lives with.  Lethargy is the bad guy I am constantly fighting.

I isolate as a way of trying to protect myself from more anxiety.  It's really not a conscience thought that it will spare me anxiety if don't talk to anyone or call anyone, it's just that I never feel like doing those things.  Catch 22 though, because I feel tremendous guilt and anxiety over isolating too!

I am getting as much help for myself and my family as I can.  Even though grief, depression and anxiety get the best of me most days, there are days when I have hope. On these days I can even see myself in the future: happy and enjoying life with my family-including our new healthy little baby.  :)




       

CA Science Center

Em's class went on a field trip to the CA Science Center in Downtown LA.  Much decided to tag along.  It was a long drive, and Munch got car sick, but the Center was great and we had a lot of fun.  We even got to go to an IMAX 3D show featuring the Hubble Telescope.  The girls can't wait to go back.

Munch is Done with Elementary School!

I am beyond thrilled that she loves her school.  She actually said for the first time ever,"I don't want it to be Summer, I'm going to miss school!"  That makes me so happy. 

Munch and her Teacher

Em's Art

She is showcasing her tile in the mosaic she made with her class.

Sweetest Puppy

Em's Poetry

Losing Henry

by Em

When  I  heard about  my  brother.

My  sun   ran  out  of  heat  and light

My  birds  fell  from  the now sunless  sky .

My  flowers  died .

My  dam  broke  .

And  I  flooded .

No Movement Mystery

So I was wondering why I wasn't feeling this little girl move the way I did with my other babies. After my last ultrasound, I found out why. The Anterior Placenta!  Most babies look like picture #1, but this little girl looks like picture #2, with the placenta in front of her, against my belly. She kicks and the placenta cushions the kicks, so I don't feel it as much. Mystery solved. :)

Mr. & Food- Fatal Attraction???

New Faith turns 1!

My cousin did an amazing job with her party.  I think this baby will feel very loved when she sees these pictures when she is older.

She didn't know she was about to taste her cake.

Terri did an beautiful job with the decorations.

The cake was huge!

Emmers loves her little cousin.  She wanted to hold her as much as possible.

The girls and I got her a Tickle Me Elmo. She loved him right away.

She had such a busy day, she konked out right before we left.