I found out that Henry's heart had stopped beating from my doctor. I guess I knew... but didn't know for sure. I started out at a regular OB check up. I had both girls with me. It was Fall Break. October 26th. My appointment had been postponed a week becuase of the Dr.'s schedule. She couldn't find the heartbeat, but I wasn't worried. That had happened at my last appointment at 14 weeks as well and she had just given me an ultrasound and found the heartbeat that way. I figured she just sucked at finding heartbeats. I was excited to have an ultrasound. I was kinda happy she was having trouble with it again... maybe we would find out if it was a boy or girl. I remember I even said that to Em, excitedly after she had failed to find it and left. When she came back I thought she would bring the ultrasound machine, but she just said to follow her to a room with an ultrasound. We all got up and walked down the hall to the ultrasound room. She left and said she was finding her "attending".
After what seemed like hours, the Dr. and her boss came into the new bigger room that they had moved us to. They both looked at the screen for probably a few seconds, I was looking at their faces, since I couldn't see the screen. Why did they look like that????!!!!! OMG!!! What's wrong with my baby??? I burst into tears. They flooded my face. I was lying down, I was choking, sobbing. I was overcome with fear. Em stood up asking what was wrong, panic in her voice. I asked the Dr.s if I could sit up as I did so. This all happened within 1-2 minutes. Maybe just 1 minute.
I didn't think my baby was dead. I just thought maybe there was a problem. Maybe something was wrong with his heart. Never crossed my mind that he was dead. The Dr. had her boss take the girls into the hall. Thank God. I collected myself. Pulled it together. I didn't want to upset anyone with my emotional outburst. I think I appologized. She said she was going to send me for a formal ultrasound. I heard that but nothing else she said made sense, so I didn't pay attention.
I waited for my paper so I could walk down to the hospital. I was calm. I called Mr. and told him to come, that it was the baby-and it was an emergency. I called my friend and told her what was happening, asked her to come watch the girls for me. I think I was in shock. I remember just standing there, not really thinking. Just doing.
I had my "formal" ultasound and Mr. had come. We cried together outside the hospital. We went back and forth, "maybe its ok.. no it's not..." each of us taking a different stance, it was too much for our hearts to handle. It took too much for our brians to really grasp. They called us in to the ultrasound after a while. I lay there thinking, "please, please, please, please..." But, no. He was dead. Just floating inside me. I knew this. I looked at Mr. staring at the monitor while the ultrasound tech did her job silently. I wondered if Mr. was praying. I wondered if he knew. The tech turned up the sound. There was none. She got a print out. It was just a straight line. What do they call that? Flat line. That was the print out. Soemone came in. I think it wsas a nurse from the ER. She told the tech that they needed her in the ER. She hurried through a few last things, never saying one word. And let us go, with no answers. But I already knew.
We waited several hours for the phone call from the doctor. We knew we would have to wait. The longer I waited for confirmation of what I already knew, the less I actually KNEW it. I started to hope just a tiny bit. I let a little shadow of doubt in. When the phone rang and it was the Dr. I was sitiing on the couch. Sitting straight up, it was past 7pm. She sounded chipper when she said Hello. She said,"Mrs.?" I said "yes?". She said"hi how are you?" I said" fine. how are you?" My heart started racing. This isn't the way a Dr. tells you that your baby is dead/ this is the start of a long conversation, an explaination of how they had gotten it all wrong, how sorry they were to have put me through so much worry. But then she said "I'm sorry." After that, I don't remember what she said exactly. I just remember that it was like falling. The sound of her voice, that chipper, how-ya-doing-tone. Everything was wrong. In a second everything was lost. There was no more hope of her saying he was fine. "Whoops, miscalculation. Sorry about that... he's actually just hiding. But we found him! Everything looks normal and healthy and guess what? It's a boy!" All Gone.
No comments:
Post a Comment