Bubble of Innocence

As I reflect on the time after learning I was pregnant, I realize I was trying to wrap my head around  the new life that was looming in front of me.  Not the babies new life, but mine. 

I knocked myself around psychologically for quite a bit of the 97 days that I knew I was carrying Henry.  Although there were times I felt excited, I mostly felt guilt and trepidation.  I felt guilty for not making this decision.  "It" just happened, and that was unacceptable to me.  It was not what I had planned, not what I had envisioned for myself and my family.  I was scared because life was suddenly on fast forward, and I couldn't catch up. 

I have always loved babies, but I was unsure of my ability to mother another one... unsure of Mr.'s ability to father.  He is a great step dad, but how would we cope with a baby?  I felt like the guilty party; maybe if I hadn't oohed and ahhed over so many babies over the years then I wouldn't suddenly be pregnant with one that was unplanned.  Crazy hormones!

When I saw a positive sign on the pregnancy test, I felt all of the blood rush out of my head. I was wrecked.  I was excited.  I was angry.  I was hopeful.  I ran into the bedroom and showed it to Mr., then I screamed.  I put my head down on the bed.  My life was out of my control.

As I started to feel more pregnant and the morning sickness stopped (around 10 weeks) I suddenly had surges of happiness and excitement.  I was finally daydreaming about my baby, rubbing my tummy...and after 12 weeks...talking to strangers about my pregnancy.

I was starting to accept that "life happens" and that even though I wasn't controlling everything, that everything would still be okay.  In fact, it would be better than I had planned!  Mr. was 100% convinced the baby was a boy and I couldn't wait to find out for sure.  I kept wanting to buy things for the baby. 

As all of this excitement was building up in me, I had the Wedding to plan.  I was putting all of my energy into the Wedding.  I was super excited about the Wedding, it was top priority for me.  I figured the first 2 trimesters of pregnacy were pretty boring anyway.  I told myself that after the Wedding and Christmas I could start getting ready for the baby.  Just thinking about that now kills me.  It sounds so naive.  Those thoughts of mine are the reason I now look at all pregnant women with disdain.  "If they only knew what could happen", I think, now.

It boils down to this: I did not plan the pregnancy, and I am a planner.  My world was upset and I had to come to terms with my lack of control.  In the end, I took my pregnancy for granted... and I had to learn my lesson.  My bubble of innocence burst.