The Importance of Freedom and Equality

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Henry's Birth Story Part II

We were called and told to go to the hospital at 8pm.  It was like torture waiting for 8 to come.  My two best friends arrived.  No one knew how to act.  I just couldn't think straight.  We had my friends take the girls to another friends house for the night. 

Mr. and I got out of the car at the hospital and were fighting about something stupid, I can't remember what.  Who was going to hold the keys, something that lame.  We were just both so traumatized.  So scared about what was going to happen.  We were on our way to the Labor and Delivery Department at the hospital and I had to give birth to a dead baby.  I had read about the experience of this online somewhere years ago, maybe right before Munch was born-on one of those message boards for first time moms.  That was my only deep buried knowlege that this ever happened. 

We got into the room.  It was TINY.  Maybe they decided on the smallest room for me because my baby was the smallest baby being born, I don't know.  The nurse was just so sweet and young and I couldn't believe what I was doing there.  She asked me,"Do you want to hold your baby after it's born?"  I was in shock.  I said I didn't know.  I burst into tears.  Mr. was doing paperwork somewhere else.  I didn't know what to do.  I was in such a state of grief and shock. 

The thing I noticed when I was about to get into the hospital bed was that it only had one belly band.  Usually there are two bands for two monitors.  A blue and a pink, one to monitor the contractions on Mommy and one to monitor heart rate on baby.  There was only one.  God. 

I put on my hospital gown, it had slits over the nipples for easy breastfeeding access.  Cruel. 

They hooked my IV up.  I just couldn't grasp that I was there to have a dead baby come out of me.  It was like I had to keep reminding myself of the fact.  But then my friends arrived and Mr. sat on the bed next to me.  Another Dr., whom I had actually seen at the beginning of the pregnancy, came in and walked us all through everything that would happen.  And I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.  I asked her for another ultrasound to make sure.  She was understanding and soft spoken.  She did it.  She gave me pictures.  He was floating in the exact same position as he was the day before at the "formal ultrasound".  I treasured the pictures though.  I cried more.  So did Mr.  I could hear my friends in the hall, crying loudly, I had never heard them cry like that before.  Never. 

At about 9, they gave me medicine to dilate my cervix.  My friends left about an hour later.  Mr. felt too sleepy to stay awake, we had been up almost all night the night before, and he couldn't keep his eyes open. 

My pain started to get pretty bad.  I asked for the morphine pump.  It didn't work properly and there was a lot of back and forth with all sorts of nurses to try to get it to work.  It really really really hurt.  Even with all the morphine I was pumping into me, I was in such pain and could not relax, get comfortable or close my eyes.  I felt so alone.  I felt like I was worlds away from every other human on the planet.  I wanted to cry, but I actually couldn't, I was so focused on the pain.  It wasn't like regular contractions with breaks in between, it was a constant aching, tearing apart of my insides kind of pain. 

Henry

Henry's Birth Story Part 1

I found out that Henry's heart had stopped beating from my doctor.  I guess I  knew...  but didn't know for sure.  I started out at a regular OB check up.  I had both girls with me.  It was Fall Break.  October 26th.  My appointment had been postponed a week becuase of the Dr.'s schedule.  She couldn't find the heartbeat, but I wasn't worried.  That had happened at my last appointment at 14 weeks as well and she had just given me an ultrasound and found the heartbeat that way.  I figured she just sucked at finding heartbeats.  I was excited to have an ultrasound.  I was kinda happy she was having trouble with it again... maybe we would find out if it was a boy or girl.  I remember I even said that to Em, excitedly after she had failed to find it and left.  When she came back I thought she would bring the ultrasound machine, but she just said to follow her to a room with an ultrasound.  We all got up and walked down the hall to the ultrasound room.  She left and said she was finding her "attending".

After what seemed like hours, the Dr. and her boss came into the new bigger room that they had moved us to.  They both looked at the screen for probably a few seconds, I was looking at their faces, since I couldn't see the screen.  Why did they look like that????!!!!!  OMG!!! What's wrong with my baby???  I burst into tears.  They flooded my face.  I was lying down, I was choking, sobbing.  I was overcome with fear.  Em stood up asking what was wrong, panic in her voice.  I asked the Dr.s if I could sit up as I did so.  This all happened within 1-2 minutes.  Maybe just 1 minute. 

I didn't think my baby was dead.  I just thought maybe there was a problem.  Maybe something was wrong with his heart.  Never crossed my mind that he was dead.  The Dr. had her boss take the girls into the hall.  Thank God.  I collected myself.  Pulled it together.  I didn't want to upset anyone with my emotional outburst.  I think I appologized.  She said she was going to send me for a formal ultrasound.  I heard that but nothing else she said made sense, so I didn't pay attention.

I waited for my paper so I could walk down to the hospital.  I was calm.  I called Mr. and told him to come, that it was the baby-and it was an emergency.  I called my friend and told her what was happening, asked her to come watch the girls for me.  I think I was in shock.  I remember just standing there, not really thinking.  Just doing. 

I had my "formal" ultasound and Mr. had come.  We cried together outside the hospital.  We went back and forth, "maybe its ok..  no it's not..." each of us taking a different stance, it was too much for our hearts to handle.  It took too much for our brians to really grasp.  They called us in to the ultrasound after a while.  I lay there thinking, "please, please, please, please..." But, no.  He was dead.  Just floating inside me.  I knew this.  I looked at Mr. staring at the monitor while the ultrasound tech did her job silently.  I wondered if Mr. was praying.  I wondered if he knew.  The tech turned up the sound.  There was none.  She got a print out.  It was just a straight line.  What do they call that?  Flat line.  That was the print out.  Soemone came in.  I think it wsas a nurse from the ER.  She told the tech that they needed her in the ER.  She hurried through a few last things, never saying one word. And let us go, with no answers. But I already knew.

We waited several hours for the phone call from the doctor.  We knew we would have to wait.  The longer I waited for confirmation of what I already knew, the less I actually KNEW it.  I started to hope just a tiny bit.  I let a little shadow of doubt in.  When the phone rang and it was the Dr. I was sitiing on the couch.  Sitting straight up,  it was past 7pm.  She sounded chipper when she said Hello.  She said,"Mrs.?"  I said "yes?".  She said"hi how are you?"  I said" fine.  how are you?"  My heart started racing.  This isn't the way a Dr. tells you that your baby is dead/ this is the start of a long conversation, an explaination of how they had gotten it all wrong, how sorry they were to have put me through so much worry.  But then she said "I'm sorry."    After that, I don't remember what she said exactly.  I just remember that it was like falling.  The sound of her voice, that chipper, how-ya-doing-tone. Everything was wrong.  In a second everything was lost.  There was no more hope of her saying he was fine.  "Whoops,  miscalculation.  Sorry about that...  he's actually just hiding. But we found him!  Everything looks normal and healthy and guess what? It's  a boy!"  All Gone.

An Evening in the Life

This is an evening in the life... pictures taken around the same time on 1/16/2011.  Mrs. in the family room, zoning out with wine, watching a show. Mr. & Munch on their computers in the office.  Em on her sister's bed watching a movie.

They Don't Last Long...

But I live for these moments of sweetness 
and friendship between them.

After the Wedding

We woke up the next morning very happy.  I had the girls come to our honeymoon cottage to take a bath in our awesome tub:

We packed up everything from the hotel.  The hotel made us a special brunch with the family and out of town guest who had stayed overnight.

We then had to say goodbye to Mom & Dad, Grammie (which was hard, since I hadn't seen her in years...) and the girls.  We went home and had some cake with Mum and said goodbye to her, then left for the airport.

We had a short flight and made it to Las Vegas safe and sound.

We were staying at the MGM.  The first room they tried to put us in didn't cut the mustard.  I complained until we were put in this room about 2 hours later:

Mood Board for Family Room

Auntie and Niece

Bridesmaid

Isn't my bridesmaid beautiful?

More on Miscarriage...

http://www.babble.com/pregnancy/my-pregnancy/coping-with-miscarriage-pregnancy-secret/

Bubble of Innocence

As I reflect on the time after learning I was pregnant, I realize I was trying to wrap my head around  the new life that was looming in front of me.  Not the babies new life, but mine. 

I knocked myself around psychologically for quite a bit of the 97 days that I knew I was carrying Henry.  Although there were times I felt excited, I mostly felt guilt and trepidation.  I felt guilty for not making this decision.  "It" just happened, and that was unacceptable to me.  It was not what I had planned, not what I had envisioned for myself and my family.  I was scared because life was suddenly on fast forward, and I couldn't catch up. 

I have always loved babies, but I was unsure of my ability to mother another one... unsure of Mr.'s ability to father.  He is a great step dad, but how would we cope with a baby?  I felt like the guilty party; maybe if I hadn't oohed and ahhed over so many babies over the years then I wouldn't suddenly be pregnant with one that was unplanned.  Crazy hormones!

When I saw a positive sign on the pregnancy test, I felt all of the blood rush out of my head. I was wrecked.  I was excited.  I was angry.  I was hopeful.  I ran into the bedroom and showed it to Mr., then I screamed.  I put my head down on the bed.  My life was out of my control.

As I started to feel more pregnant and the morning sickness stopped (around 10 weeks) I suddenly had surges of happiness and excitement.  I was finally daydreaming about my baby, rubbing my tummy...and after 12 weeks...talking to strangers about my pregnancy.

I was starting to accept that "life happens" and that even though I wasn't controlling everything, that everything would still be okay.  In fact, it would be better than I had planned!  Mr. was 100% convinced the baby was a boy and I couldn't wait to find out for sure.  I kept wanting to buy things for the baby. 

As all of this excitement was building up in me, I had the Wedding to plan.  I was putting all of my energy into the Wedding.  I was super excited about the Wedding, it was top priority for me.  I figured the first 2 trimesters of pregnacy were pretty boring anyway.  I told myself that after the Wedding and Christmas I could start getting ready for the baby.  Just thinking about that now kills me.  It sounds so naive.  Those thoughts of mine are the reason I now look at all pregnant women with disdain.  "If they only knew what could happen", I think, now.

It boils down to this: I did not plan the pregnancy, and I am a planner.  My world was upset and I had to come to terms with my lack of control.  In the end, I took my pregnancy for granted... and I had to learn my lesson.  My bubble of innocence burst.

Shopaholics

The girls have decided that they want a 50's style diner booth for the kitchen. They look pretyy cute in it, but I wonder how it would actually look in our house!

Love this Boy

Our sweet nephew, and our sweet pup.

This is pretty interesting...

Welcome 2011!