At 4:10 am I felt him coming down the birth canal. Then an undeniable urge to push. I felt guilty and sad when I pushed him out of me. I woke Mr. up and told him to look, I think I had the baby.
PAUSE -this is so hard to write and relive
He looked, he said "Yes." He pushed the button for the nurse, she came and looked, then left and the Dr.'s came in. This gets hard to remember, the details of what happened here. I know I asked if he was a girl or boy and the Dr. told us. I know the nurse took him to clean him up , brought him back in a bassinet and told us we could keep him with us for a little while but then they needed him back so they could get started on his tests.
We named him. I held him. I cried. I took in every little inch of him. His feet were so perfect, his tiny finger nails amazed me. He had such long legs. He had his Daddy's nose. His Daddy cried. We took pictures. I told him how sorry I was. My heart completely broke. We said goodbye, I would never see my baby boy again.
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